


Butterfly

by cecaniah



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Depression, Hanjoo - Freeform, Hansol - Freeform, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, bjoo - Freeform, xero - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:56:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5932450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecaniah/pseuds/cecaniah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hansol wants to see the butterflies again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Butterfly

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Self-Harm, Depression, Suicidal thoughts (please be aware this might be triggering for some readers), Alternative Universe

As far as Hansol remembers, there was always him. He doesn't remember too much though, just of waking up one day; there's no chilhood or old memories, it's simply him opening his eyes and glancing at the blue sky as he lies on a cozy bed, the warmth of the sun hugging his body as he smiles and sits, his bare feet touching the fluffy grass.

It was always him and a gentle boy with nice features named Byungjoo. He is lying on a green hill, watching the bright sky and seeing how the clouds looked as little cute pets, laughing alone and feeling genuinely happy. A butterfly flies closer to him, landing on the tip of his nose making him giggle and he stretches his arm, seeing how it goes to his hand. Hansol smiles because he loves butterflies, they are pure and pretty with their colorful wings and weightlessness, their delicacy.

“Do you like butterflies too?” He hears a smooth voice speaking and quickly he lifts his gaze, his body getting stiff and he brings his hands on front of his face, consequently making the butterfly fly away. The boy doesn't seem threatening though, he has chocolate eyes and a pair of thin lips that are smirking to him. His features are mild and Hansol likes how his brown hair is a bit messy because of the soft breeze. Slowly, Hansol moves his hands, sitting straight again and glancing at him.

“You made the butterfly go away.” He mutters in a tiny, squeaky voice, and the boy kneels in front of him. He gazes at him for a while, not saying a word, and then he sits beside him, looking at the sky. Hansol doesn't speak anything too cause he's kind of nervous since he never knew anyone beside himself. He doesn't know for sure what he supposes to do cause he has been there for only a few months and he doesn't remember of living before. However, another butterfly flies again, landing this time on the boy's hand and he stretches his arm so Hansol can see it.

“I like butterflies.” He finally says and he smiles to him. “I'm Kim Byungjoo. What's your name?”

“I'm just Hansol.” He mumbles and sees how Byungjoo seems satisfied with his short answer. He lies on the hill again, but this time them both are laughing at the cloud's shapes together.

It's almost like if they they had known each for a long time.

 

 

In the first weeks, Byungjoo doesn't speak too much, probably not to startle Hansol who is always scared of loud noises or more talk than usual. He doesn't like questions because he never knows how to answer them. Hansol feels like he should be worried with not knowing practically anything about this dreamy world where he lives or about himself, but he doesn't. He isn't worried, in fact he's happier than any living person and his days are filled up by joy and smiles, butterflies landing on his hands and making his heart flutter.

Hansol feels truly happy, he doesn't want to leave this place and just the simple thought of having to go away from wherever he is scares him. His life is pretty perfect as he's holding hands with Byungjoo, walking along the soft grass, bare feet, dressing only a thin shirt and white pants, smiling to all the butterflies that lands on his body – he finds quite funny when they rest at his or Byungjoo's hair.

One day, as they are walking through the woods, Byungjoo points to a tree and smiles happily. Hansol asks himself why he seems so excited in finding a tree till he sees him taking a red thing from there.

“What's that?” Hansol asks because he had never seen that before, and his question makes Byungjoo furrow his eyebrows, probably wondering if Hansol doesn't know or if he's just joking. Nevertheless, he smirks softly and bites it, munching.

“It's an apple. It's a fruit.”

“And what's the use of a fruit?” He really doesn't understand what Byungjoo is doing with that, biting and swallowing up. He had never seen him doing this and that makes him confused. Byungjoo seems to be enjoying even though that looks like a really weird thing to do.

“You eat.” Byungjoo says and hands him the apple. “Bite it, Hansol. You will like it.”

The word 'eat' makes him shiver and he doesn't know exactly why, but that triggers a feeling that he doesn't like. His eyes widen at the vision of the crimson fruit and he holds it with shaky hands, opening his mouth and biting, munching, swallowing, and feeling his stomach violently reject that food, making him throw up seconds later. He feels terrible for eating and his eyes get watery as he's ashamed of that, of the disturbed look on Byungjoo's face and how he gently rubs his back, saying it's okay.

But Hansol knows it's not okay. As time goes by, he discovers he doesn't like eating at all and he just watches when Byungjoo eats the fruits he finds, the pleasure evident on his face. At first he tried to make Hansol taste it too, but he gives up when he notices that he throws up every time he tries.

Nonetheless, Hansol is still happy. He loves singing to the butterflies, it's his favorite thing to do. He likes seeing how Byungjoo watches him sing with a smile on his thin lips and how some times they sing together. It's nice to have someone, Hansol thinks, and it's lovely to be able to hold his hand as they lie on the hills watching the bright blue sky.

 

 

It's a pitch black night and he hugs Byungjoo to sleep. He is his second favorite thing, right after the butterflies.

“Hansol, have you ever thought about how life is outside?” He mutters, low enough that only Hansol is able to hear – though there's only him and the mild breeze blowing their hairs.

It's a strange question, indeed, and Hansol purses his lips, glancing at him. He remains quiet for a long while, clenching his little fingers around Byungjoo's shirt, breathing so quietly that the other boy thinks he fell asleep.

“This is my life, Joo. Here with my butterflies and you.” Hansol answers, pretty certain of his thoughts and feelings. He knows no other life and he likes how here is – wherever, whatever here is. He doesn't want to leave, he feels safe and happy.

Byungjoo hums softly in agreement and keeps stroking his hair until he sleeps. Usually, Hansol doesn't dream, and when he does it's only with butterflies.

However, this time he finds himself walking through a large corridor that doesn't seem to have an ending. He can see white walls and locked doors and he just feels like he has to keep walking no matter what happens. He's bare feet and the floor's tiles are icy, making him slightly shiver. He doesn't like this place but he has no other way besides head to the exit even though he doesn't know if he can escape from the smashing whiteness that it's making his heart speed up in a unknown fear. He's cold and he embraces himself, rubbing his arms in a feeble attempt of warming himself up.

'Why are you here? Go back.' He hears a voice that sounds so much with himself that makes him gasp and look behind him, but when he looks back there's only a thick wall and the way he was heading doesn't exist anymore.

Hansol sits on the floor, hugging himself and hiding his face on his knees. 'Please, please wake up' he thinks, but nothing happens. He's still there, shaking on the floor and feeling his heart beating rather fast.

'Hansol, Hansol please. Listen to me.' There's another voice now and he doesn't know the owner this time. It's a boy's voice, a cute, worried one, and Hansol lifts his gaze, but he doesn't see who spoke that. When he opens his mouth trying to say something he notices he has no voice and that no matter how he tries he can't speak.

He feels fear and that's a feeling Hansol didn't know in his oddly happy life. He hates how his stomach hurts in anxiety and how he's breathing so quickly that he's panting.

There's a black figure walking in his direction and Hansol has no place to runaway so he just tries to hide his face with his hands but even when he closes his eyes he still can see.

He sees himself but he's rather different than he looks now. His hair is still black and short but his eyes are just deep and sad, like if he could drown himself only by looking at them. He's thinner than anything he had ever seen (though he only knows Hansol and Byungjoo) and when he looks at his wrists, he can see blood dripping from them, littering the white floor.

'Go back. Please.' The boy speaks and Hansol just nods, too afraid to do anything.

When he opens his eyes he's lying beside Byungjoo and before he notices tears are rolling along his cheeks, an uncontrollable crying taking control of his body as he's really afraid. He can't forget all those voices and he hugs Byungjoo's tight.

“What's wrong Hansol?” He asks as he rubs his back soothingly, but Hansol doesn't answer as his whole body is quivering with his broken sobs. 'There's nothing wrong', he wants to answer, but he knows that he would be lying.

Because, after that day, everything changed.

Hansol started having nightmares every night and Byungjoo was there for him. In those dreams he usually saw himself, with bloody wrists and a pale face, a thin saddening figure who would always tell him to go back. Hansol would cry and sob, too afraid to actually do anything, and he would wake with Byungjoo calling his name and shaking him softly because he was screaming.

Nevertheless, Hansol was still happy. He still singed for the butterflies and played with them, walking bare feet through the green grass, smiling to the bright sky and holding Byungjoo's warm hand. He avoided eating because he didn't need to, and he wasn't skinny as the Hansol in his nightmares. He realized he loved Byungjoo – maybe more than the butterflies – and that he loved to be with him.

Such an odd feeling, Hansol thinks, for someone who practically knows nothing beside happiness and fear.

 

 

Hansol is walking alone for the first time in a while because Byungjoo is still sleeping and he doesn't want to wake him, not when he looks so peaceful, slightly snoring as he dreams. Hansol thinks it's cute and he kisses his cheek before going to walk through the forest that he knows so well.

“Do you want to go explore with me?” He asks to the butterfly he sees, smiling when it lands on his hand and he starts looking for the river, which isn't that far, cause he feels thirsty. He already can hear the sound of the water, and the sun is starting to rise, making him cover his eyes when the sunlights hit them. The cold breeze made him rub his arms, and he speeded his pace as he felt his throat really dry. Hansol sees the source of the river and gets closer, kneeling and drinking from there. The water is pure and crystalline and he lets a soft moan of satisfaction escape from his thin lips when he takes small sips, the drops moistening his chin as they pass through his mouth. When he looks at the water, he sees himself at the reflex, but slowly that becomes the Hansol of his nightmare, smirking bitterly to him.

Hansol moves away, his heart beating faster and he's panting, afraid of what he saw. He wipes his lips with the sleeve of his shirt, and he raises up, ready to go back to the bed that him and Byungjoo share and hug him, tell him about what happened. However, when he lifts his gaze he sees someone who isn't Byungjoo. The boy seems to be younger than him and he has sharp features, a defined jawline and a cute nose. His lips looks like a small pink-rose and his eyes are black like the night, just as his hair.

“Hansol... God, I can't believe that I found you.” He speaks and Hansol wants to run away but his legs don't move, he's completely frozen as he moves closer and closer until he can touch his face. Hansol shivers at the touch and he doesn't like it because it isn't Byungjoo. “Hansol, listen to me. Please, listen to me.”

That voice. Hansol gasps at shock when he recognizes the voice of his dreams who is always asking him to listen but never speaks a word after. He wants to scream for Byungjoo but he knows he's too far to hear him and he curses himself for going out without him. He knows that before Byungjoo was there he used to explore it all alone but now he finds himself dependant of him and somehow weak, a tiny little thing who's always scared of loud noises and unknown people. His lips are trembling as the boy gets closer, so close than he can feel his warm breath hitting his skin. Hansol looks at him and he doesn't seem like he's going to hurt him, and he can sense some odd familiarity in his voice, the way his heart hurts when he speaks. He feels like he knows him, just as when he first met Byungjoo, but he's startled by what that might mean. The boy's fingers are on his cheek, softly caressing it, cupping his face, and Hansol hates himself because he shouldn't like someone else's touches.

“How do you know my name?” He finally manages to whisper, his words are as shaky as his breath and the boy arches his eyebrows, looking somehow surprised with that.

“Why wouldn't I?” He whispers back and glances at Hansol's eyes, for God knows how long. “You don't remember me.” He says after, moving his hand away. “It's Jiho, Shin Jiho.”

Hansol shakes his head politely, enough to tell him that this name means nothing to him. He doesn't remember someone named Jiho because he never met anyone besides Byungjoo and himself. He intends to go away and he turns his body away, but then he feels his wrist being held by Jiho. Hansol cries out faintly as he feels a sudden, sharp headache and he looks at him, heavily breathing.

There's blood on Jiho's hands, but it disappears when he blinks his eyes.

He doesn't like how things are getting creepy ever since... he met Byungjoo. Before he saw him, he was alone with the butterflies and the bright blue sky, dreaming about sweet nothings. And then he discovered how he hated eating, and when Byungjoo asked him about life he started having nightmares. What he didn't imagine was that he would have them during the day, when he was awake.

“Please leave me alone.” Hansol whispers and Jiho only holds his wrist tighter. Jiho seems hurt by his words, he can say that just by gazing at him, and Hansol quietly sobs when he tries to go away. “Please” He adds and looks down, trembling when he sees it again.

Blood is dripping, soaking the green grass.

“Hansol, listen to me. You have to w-” Jiho starts saying but Hansol is so terrified that somehow he manages to get away from his tight grip and he runs as fast as he can, until he feels his lungs burning, his throat drought as he finally reaches the glade where he sleeps and he spots Byungjoo, but he just keeps running. He needs to find the other river and he can hear Byungjoo screaming for him to stop, but he pays no mind. He doesn't stop till he sees the water and he kneels, sinking his arms in it, not caring if he's going to wet his clothes. He doesn't realize either that he's crying and the tears are frantically falling from his eyes, and he scratches his skin trying to clean the dried blood that is there.

“Hansol, stop!” Byungjoo says, pulling him and moving him away from the river. He holds his both hands and looks at his eyes, as if he wants to tell him that it's alright.

“The blood, I have to wash it...” Hansol whines but Byungjoo makes sure he can't move his hands away from him.

“Blood? Hansol, look. There's no blood.” He answers, rolling his sleeves up so he can see his milky skin and notice that yeah, there's no blood. There's only faint marks from his nails when he was trying to clean it, but there's nothing besides it. Byungjoo pulls him closer and hugs him tight. “You need to sleep. It's going to be alright”

Hansol knows it won't but he nods anyway, following him back to bed and lying there. He lets Byungjoo hug him and stroke his hair to let him sleepy. It's true that he's quite afraid of sleeping, but he feels emotionally drained and it doesn't take too long since he's far too asleep.

This time he isn't in that weird place, but he's somewhere that feels like home. Hansol spots the other him and he's lying on the floor, the unstoppable noise of his phone who keeps ringing makes his head ache and he kneels, trying to touch his forehead. However, it's like he's intangible and he can't feel his skin. Hansol sees that he's still breathing, but when he looks at his wrists they are bleeding so badly, soaking the carpet. He's too deep on watching him, seeing how the pain is visible on his face and how he seems so thin, so fragile that it seems like he could easily break. The door opens and he sees Jiho who runs to him, kneeling on front of him and holding his wrists. His blood is staining his shirt but he doesn't care, he knows he has to stop the bleeding. The tears are freely running along his cheeks and he takes a cloth, trying to stop it. There's blood everywhere.

Please wake up. Please come back to me. 

Byungjoo can see that Hansol isn't the same. He doesn't sing to the butterflies anymore and he is like a little pet, startled by anything. His smiles are becoming more and more rare and he barely sleeps, though he has nightmares whether is he awake or asleep. He met Jiho one day after he had become Hansol's friend, though they never talk cause Hansol never wants to listen to him. Byungjoo knows that if he does, something will change. So Jiho only sits by his side and never touches him, otherwise he will trigger a panic attack. He hates how Hansol is shutting himself for him and no matter how hard he tries he can never break the shield that he built between them both.

“You asked me once how life would be outside here” Hansol says as them three are sitting on a hill, watching the bright blue sky, though Jiho always seems worried and afflicted, as if he has to come back to somewhere soon. Byungjoo turns his face to look at him and it simply hurts how he seems so broken, with dark circles under his (dim) eyes. “I shouldn't know how it would be.”

“You should know.” Jiho answers and Byungjoo glances at him because he doesn't want him to speak. It scares Hansol even more when he does.

Please Hansol, wake up. He hears Jiho but he isn't talking. The Jiho who's beside him it's immobile, gazing at the sky with sad eyes and noisily breathing, yeah, but he isn't talking. Nevertheless, he keeps hearing his voice. Hansol, I know you can hear me. This has gone too far. Wake up.

“Wake up from what?” He whispers and within a blink of eyes, he isn't on the hill anymore.

There's just white everywhere and nothing, there's no way out, only an infinite whiteness. Jiho is in front of him and he feels scared because he doesn't know what's happening. Byungjoo isn't with him and he needs to hold his hand to be safe.

“You finally listened to me.” Jiho speaks, getting closer and touching his cheek just as when they first met in that world.

“What are you talking about?” He mutters, slightly shivering and wanting to escape, to go away and go back to Byungjoo; however, he feels good when he's close to Jiho, that's why he didn't let him disappear as he had planned.

“You know exactly what I am talking about, Hansol. Close your eyes and listen to your heart.”

Even though Hansol doesn't want to do what he's saying, he feels like he should and he lets his eyes fall shut, instinctively grabbing Jiho's hand.

He can see the blood again, soaking the carpet as Jiho desperately calls the ambulance, and he can feel the fear in his best friend's heart. He also can see the confusion in his boyfriend's eyes when he's lying in an hospital's bed. Hansol always hid so well that he never suspected of anything, but Jiho, as his best friend obviously knew of everything.

I am that Hansol. I am the skinny, dying Hansol.

He opens his eyes again and Jiho is smiling to him, wiping the tears that Hansol didn't notice he let fall. Jiho always knew about everything, that's why he was the one calling for him in his nightmares, that's why he started to see things as he was awake right after he met him. However, the glimpse of himself on that hospital bed wasn't an agradable thing to see and feel. That world seemed rather scaring in comparison to the illusion he had been living. All those months, he had been hearing to his real self in his nightmares, who was asking him to remain chained to that sweet fantasy and now he knows that he has to decide what to do: wake up or continue to sleep.

“It's time to wake up, Sollie. We miss you so much. Me and Byungjoo, we don't know what to do without you.” He says and Hansol knows he must be deeply hurt since he was the one who found him after he tried to kill himself. The guilty still eats him alive when he thinks that he might had been able to avoid that – maybe if he had talked to him more, heared him more, loved him more. They are all drowing in a sea of indecision and doubts, sinking themselves in the same dark abyss which escaping unharmed is almost impossible.

“It hurts.” Hansol breathes out, raising his eyes to meet Jiho's, and he squeezes his hand when he feels a sob escaping from his shaky lips. He can feel the weight of the close reality smashing his chest, pressing his ribs and burning his lungs so bad that he can't breathe. In that world, he will have to face feelings that he doesn't remember, he will have to feel the deep pain in his heart and wish that he wasn't alive. He won't get up so easily and the butterflies might not be as pretty as they were before. “I don't want to...” He whispers but he knows he has no other choice because if he returns to his dreamy world, the nightmares will still be haunting him and he's done with it.

“I know.” Jiho says and his voice it's full of compassion, as if he really could feel the profund wound in his soul. “I wished we all could live in that world, Hansol... but it's time to wake up, hm? I'm here with you, you don't have to be afraid.” He adds, leaning and pressing a chaste kiss to his forehead. Hansol sighes as the tears silently fall from his eyes and he closes them, nodding and holding Jiho's hand.

Even though he doesn't want to, Hansol wakes up in the next day. The bed where he's lying isn't as comfortable as that one from the other world, and the whiteness of the room hurt his eyes. He can feel something tight tying his wrists and he can assume that are the bandages. He can see the psychiatrist he used to consult, Sangdo, standing there and he's talking to Jiho. Byungjoo isn't there now, but he notices that his jacket is on one of the chairs.

“He's physically fine, Jiho, and that's why you have to keep speaking with him. His mind locked him in a dream of butterflies and happiness and he won't wake up if you don't help him.” He hears him speaking and he knits his eyebrows, suddenly remembering of everything that happened. He groans in pain when he tries to move, his muscles feeling too stiff and that's when Jiho looks at him, his expression freezing for a second when he can't believe that he finally woke up. He's about to go hug him but Sangdo holds his hand, stopping him. “He might not recognize you, we should wai–”

“You said you were with me.” Hansol mutters faintly, his voice sounding croaky from all the time he had been sleeping, his throat feeling drought. “You said I shouldn't be afraid.” Jiho looks at him, surprised and a tear escapes from the corner of his eyes. He was talking to him all that time, asking him to please listen to him and wake up, but he never thought that Hansol actually heard him. If he was really trapped in a dreamy world as Sangdo had said, then he had to be strong enough to abandon it and return to the harsh reality. Even if that sounded quite selfish, Jiho was glad that he made that choice. “Why did you wake me up?” He cried out, a muffled sob escaping from his lips and Jiho frowns at that. “Why? I was so happy with Byungjoo and the butterflies!” Hansol doesn't notice, but he's whimpering in sheer pain and fear, hating how he was ripped out from his own paradise. His vision is blurred from the unstoppable tears and he tries to get up, feeling a little dizzy.

Byungjoo suddenly appears with a cup of coffee on his hand and he immediately drops it on a close chair, running to Hansol and hugging him tight. He wasn't expecting for him to wake now and it's a shock to see him that violent. “Hansol, stop!” He says, holding him so he won't squirm as he's, trying to move away. Jiho is still frozen, and when he looks at Hansol's eyes he can see the anger on them. Before Hansol can realize he feels a sting in his neck and he looks to the other side, seeing Sangdo holding a syringe.

“It's just a sedative. He's going to be fine.” He says to Jiho and Hansol movement's slow down till he falls on Byungjoo's arms and everything gets black for him.

 

 

When Hansol wakes up, he isn't feeling that hurt or angry, just... numb. He tries to sit down and he notices he has his wrists tied up to the bed. Jiho is sitting beside him and he is glancing at him, his eyes are puffy and he can see that he had cried. Byungjoo isn't there – again – and he believes that he's just buying coffee or something. Sangdo isn't there either and they probably think it's safe enough to let Jiho alone when he has restraints on his hands.

“You hate me, don't you?” Jiho mutters, more an affirmation than a question. Hansol lifts his gaze, looking at him, and he is really pissed off with the fact that he can barely move. He feels like a prisioner.

“You didn't let me die in that day.” Hansol whispers, his voice still hoarse from the disuse. “A few more minutes and I would have bled to the death. You woke me up from my dream.” He says, looking at him and he can see how Jiho seems hurt, but not regretted at all. “I could blame you for making me suffer again... but that just sounds unfair.” He adds, making Jiho gasp and gaze at him, finally raising his eyes.

Jiho purses his lips, stretching his arm so he can take his hand. His skin is quite cold and Jiho holds his hand, caressing it. He misses it, he misses it so damn much and he's really happy that he has Hansol back; even though that isn't the Hansol he knew when he was just a child. He will never be the same, Jiho knows that, because the world broke his innocence. When Hansol was a teenager, he didn't want to kill himself and he knew how to enjoy life, to be happy, but slowly he forgot all those things. Hansol learned that being who he was and feeling attraction for the same sex was wrong and dirty and that he should go to hell for it, that he should be beaten in school because he was like that. At first, it only hurt physically, but day after day he saw himself drowing in a sea that had no way to come back. It hurt Jiho so much to see how he had lost all the taste for life, how the days were always grey for him and even when they were having Hansol couldn't feel truly happy anymore. He hated himself and seeing his image in the mirror only made him sick, and before that he noticed he started eating less and less till he barely could eat at all. Hansol wondered how being normal would feel.

“You were always asking me to come back.” Hansol starts speaking again, glancing at him. “You were the part of the dream who knew all my flaws and necessities. Byungjoo... he only met me when I was happy, and when everything started to crumble down, he just asked me to go sleep.” He can remember all the times Byungjoo didn't know what to do besides hugging him tight and asking him to sleep so he would get better.

“I'm sorry.” Jiho finally talks, his tone is quite broken and hurt and he squeezes Hansol's hand softly. “I wish I could be the one who would make you happy and make all your dreams come true. I wish I–”

“Jiho, you're the reality in my life, I can see that now. Killing myself, being trapped in that world, those are all dreams. But I can't live in dreams.” Hansol interrupts him, and it hurts more than he thought to speak that. It's a bitter feeling, knowing that he has to accept how he's now, no matter how fucked up he is. “I can have the dream that I need with Byungjoo, but I can't live from dreams. I need you.”

Jiho caresses his cheek, cupping his face and it's just so familiar that Hansol wants to cry again. He gazes at his eyes for a long time, no words being spoken as that, a thick silence filling the room. Their heavy breaths are the only sound besides the tick tock from the clock and Hansol wanders if Jiho is going to speak something.

“I love you, Hansol. You're my best friend.” He finally whispers, so low that even Hansol doesn't know for sure if he really had said that. “I have nightmares with that afternoon everyday... I can't forget how close I was to loose you. Please, please never do something like that again.”

“You know I can't promise.” Hansol mumbles and he smiles softly. “But I can try harder. I don't want to suffer anymore.” He says and he means it. He really doesn't have a choice because everyone will keep an eye on him so he won't try to kill himself again and he will probably be on hospital for a while. Even if he has to see Sangdo more regularly and to explain all his life to Byungjoo, willing to be accepted by him, he will try. He hates to see Jiho in pain and he hates to see himself in pain.

He will try to learn how to swim so he can save himself from drowning even further.

 

\--

 

Hansol dreams with butterflies everynight. He walks bare feet on the fluffy grass, smiling to the bright blue sky and holding hands with Byungjoo. Jiho is his friend now and they three always talk a lot, laughing together and having a lot of fun. He likes to sing for them and for the butterflies, and he loves to dance with them.

Hansol has daymares practically everyday. He has to endure the pain on his chest, the desire of cutting himself to relief his suffering, the self destructive thoughts as his own mind tries to kill him. However, he has Jiho and Byungjoo holding his both hands when he's falling down so he doesn't drown on that old, known sea.

And one day, Hansol can finally see the butterflies as he is awake.


End file.
